Black Girl Grief & People Pleasing


(Photo courtesy of Lyndsey Culver)

Black Girl Grief is a series I have being pondering for awhile. It is through my own grief that I have found answers to some of my own challenging issues. Through the acknowledgement of heartbreak and pain I have found a space where I can finally see myself and hear my voice and begin the journey towards self-respect, care, value, and liking me for me.

I decided to open up my Literary Healing blog again because I am often told by many editors and publishers that post must be positive and have some type of hope so readers can see themselves in the bigger picture. This is so true however grief reveals the ultimate truth of how deep and pure we love and love is not only what we do-it is who we are.

Grieve Girl, Before you can stand in front of the world Girl,

You’ve go to lay your head in the lap of your Savior

and allow yourself to Grieve Girl…

Words have power. My mission and mantra of Literary Healing Arts, is the Healing Power of Words. However, I have to admit my words, self-talk, and inner thoughts are downright ugly. I would never admit it or say these things out loud to friends or family but my self-esteem has at times been at an all time low.

Yes, I assume the role of a confident, strong, resilient, black women without showing the most vulnerable sides of my pain and struggles. There are seasons where I am all those things and several bags of chips…other times I just sit around and eat chips bemoaning and judging my past decisions, looks, finances, and abilities.

Brown girl good morning.

People pleasing is a disease,

the cure is acceptance of self

one day at a time!

Posting the above post on Social Media as a part of my daily brown girl good morning mantra caused me to think more than any of the post I had posted thus far. I never thought of myself as a people pleaser. The type of person who would do just about anything to get the approval of others couldn’t possibly resemble my actions?

Honestly, I roll my eyes hard to the left and long, when I think of this term. If you spot it you got it couldn’t be any truer in this case. I can easily spot a people pleaser simply because it is a representation of me.

Recently, I have come to an acknowledgement that I am stuck ( a later post) stuck in my career, stuck in growing my business, stuck in losing weight, stuck in finding and sustaining relationships, stuck in my writing, just stuck in people pleasing.

One major cause of this stuckness has been my need for approval from people. I am extremely hard on myself and have been using my own words as weapons against myself and waiting for others to validate and like me. I haven’t trusted myself and my intuition.

I am holding myself accountable to do better one day at a time.

Example: I took a part-time job because I believed I needed to make more money I made the choice to go back into my old career field. My work was to develop, build, train, and lead a program from the ground up.

I did a damn great job and I am a phenomenal leader, after all my hard work the organization hired someone without telling me to replace me who “fit better within their long-term plan”- happens to be a fairer women than I who knows people in a so called elite part of town, yes more in another post (I am bitter) but I recognize I wanted to please others by having a “traditional” job rather than writing and honing my business and going hard for me.

~People Pleasing can lead to doubt and unbelief~

Withstanding, I neglected my daily walks my lifeline, my mental health, cleaning my apartment, friends, cooking, poetry and writing. In the end happily it did send me back to my blog.

Example: I sought out a relationship and stayed longer in a situation that didn’t honor me and when he stopped texting and calling I felt rejected. (I was bitter) but I acknowledge I wanted to please him rather than hold fast to my values and I wanted to prove to others I was pretty enough and worthy of love.

~People Pleasing can lead to compromise and fear~

Withstanding, I neglected having someone support me, comfort me, date me, pursue me, and unconditionally love and respect me.


How I am Pausing People Pleasing?

Example: No work situation is worth my emotional labor, intellectual property, and prime leadership it is up to me to honor my time, talents, skills, and to trust my God to provide and where he guides he provides, supplies all my needs, and that is love.

Example: No relationship is worth my emotional labor, intellectual property, prime leadership, hugs, kisses, love, warmth, cooking, $1.00 ice-cream cones, evening walks, encouragement, belief, pampering, and respect that does not honor my time, talents, skills, and I trust my god to provide and where he guides he provides and he loves me I am the apple of his eye.

People Pleasing for me was a choice and and now I choose to turn off the needy button that no longer serves me without judgement lovingly saying goodbye to her while thanking her for keeping me safe and attempting to protect me. Now I return inward to my own influence and power to approve, guard my heart, be light for myself in the state, bank account, and season I am in now.

For Later-Write your own Pause to People Pleasing statement. Write to Heal!

I vowed to put a pause on people pleasing, to write again, to begin again in pursing ways to make money off my hopes and dreams and give dignity and self-respect back to the most important person I know-Salaam.

My focus is in creating and developing a business of worth for women and honing the healing power of words for myself so I can be the most authentic women and business owner for others. One day at a time, (Practicing what I Preach, Amen and Amen again).

In the words of a commenter on my earlier social media post, I am so worth it.

And you are too all my worthy sweet sisters!

If you decide to please follow my Grief and the Black Girl Post, Brown Girl Walking and Writing and Brown Girl Good Morning.


See you on the Red Couch Writers,

Walk and Write to Heal with Salaam


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